The Trash Problem Solved

THE TRASH PROBLEM SOLVED   - Robin Blackburne

 Background.   By the 1980s, the trash problem in Bermuda was becoming acute and the Pembroke and Airport dumps were no longer able to handle garbage dumping at the current rate.  Government thus decided to seek quotes, from manufacturers around the world, for a huge incineration plant.  The Royal Gazette devoted hundreds of thousands of words, over several years, to the studies and the opinions of many conflicting parties. The contract was finally awarded to Von Roll, a Swiss company. 

(Notes: KBB is the “Keep Bermuda Beautiful” organization.  There is no cremation facility in Bermuda)

    This piece, composed in 1990, gives a feeling for the heated debate at the time.

What SHALL we do with all our trash?

And garbage by the ton ?

“ Why don't we turn it into cash? "

 Is easier said than done.

A thousand ancient pots and pans

           And mattresses galore,

And rusty Coca-Cola cans

Are strewn on land and shore,

The Airport is a favorite spot

To drop bisected cars

As if it were a parking lot

For cranks and axle bars.

The grease from leaking sumps must spill

And, through the meagre soil,

It leaches inch by inch until

Our water's mixed with oil.

The Pembroke dump at back of town

Is not the perfect place

To chuck that unstuffed eider-down

Or unstrung double-bass.

" Re-cycle"" says the K.B.B. "

 “Hear, Hear!” cries National Trust.

 “Incinerate the junk debris

It should by rights combust."

Thus spake the Minister of Works

In nineteen eighty-four.

So at the job a hundred clerks

Embarked upon the chore

Of finding just the very best

Incinerating plant.

(“ What luck " the Minister confessed

 “ If it cremates my aunt." )

So ads were placed around the world

From Denmark to Japan

And soon the mysteries unfurled

To form a mighty plan.

The bids were in, consultants hired

To make evaluation

Of how each plant achieved, when fired,

Complete incineration.

Every angle in the book

Was studied with due care –

Pollution and how long it took

Von Roll and Procedair

To burn a ton of dollar bills

Or melt Bermuda sand.

You’ve guessed of course, from them thar’ hills

Of Snowy Switzerland

The finalist has now emerged.

It is indeed Von Roll.

Our trusty Government has splurged.

This mega-casserole

Has cost a tidy buck or two.

But who are we to care ?

As long as it cremates Aunt Sue –

And never needs repair.