Scanning Rhyme and Metre

Scanning, Rhyme and Metre           -    Robin Blackburne

Background

In 1985, Lance Percival, the English Television Personality and Film actor, strayed from his core profession to write and publish a collection of verse entitled “Well-Versed Dogs”.  My mother, who knew him vaguely, gave me a copy of this book.  The verse was seriously bad - doggerel at its most crude - and any attempt at scanning failed in nearly every line of every stanza of every piece.  Even rhyming was a struggle.

I do not recall who the publishers were, but it is pretty certain this was a vanity publication and the publishers were handsomely recompensed by Mr. Percival to print the collection.

         It is possible that this worthy first-time author of “poetry” actually realized his stuff was worse than mediocre, since he added a postscript inviting readers to critique his book.  I don’t know how many letters he received, or indeed if he actually received an accolade or two, but I penned the following piece, under my pen-name Robert Brownlow, by way of a response.

The various breeds of dogs in Mr. Percival’s collection of “poems” are referred to obliquely, such as “King Charles”, “Pekinese” etc.   

I never mailed the letter, since no address was given.      But for posterity………..

Dear Mr. Percival,

                             Here’s my retort

To your kind invitation to write a report

On your first gallant effort at humorous verse

About canines from places as widely diverse

As Australia, Germany, France and Peking

And Kensington Palace where Charles is the King.

I have read with dismay every line in your book

Which is why I believe you should take a good look

At the problems you seem to be having with scanning.

The writing of verse needs inscrutable planning

And since you’ve suggested I write you a ditty,

The metre must flow for a piece to be pretty.

Please accept in the spirit in which it is meant

This critique; for it’s clear that you’ve probably spent

More than eighty-one hours in pursuit of your rhymes

Having finished the crossword in Saturday’s Times.

It is all very well to write doggerel on dogs

(And if there’s a next time you might go for frogs)

But please understand that composing good stuff

Is a disciplined art and exceedingly tough.

You must write and re-write which you may think absurd

But it’s vital the accent’s upon the right word,

Which may need to be shuffled from hither to thither

And this way and that way and thither and hither;

And if it appears that a space is unfillable

Seek an appropriate word of one syllable.

Once you have chosen a metre then stick to it;

Polish and cut and then put a last lick to it.

Don’t go to press with a rhythm that’s crude.

It’s an insult to readers and thoroughly rude.

If you must fool around with Iambic Pentameter

You’re destined, dear sir, to remain a rank amateur

In the hope that this aids the poetical cause

I am

         Robert Brownlow

                               Most Faithfully Yours.

PS

         If you think this was knocked off in less than an hour,

         You’d be right -  but the structure was lacking in power.

         It was chopped, re-arranged and re-written again

Till the metre was perfect to flow like Champagne.

         Then it took six more days to get two percent better;

         Now I trust that you won’t find this too rude a letter.

         Robert Brownlow ( Robin Blackburne )